batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?