In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it