In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
honestly, i need both:
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS