[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You Might Also Like
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
wife: know what today is?
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
my parents: your generation is so spoiled
also my parents: I’m going to buy my grandchildren 17 toys for no reason and feed them candy for all their meals when they come to my house
Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*