googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
WHY THE HELL NOT
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?