@FredTaming
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
@MeepisMurder
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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@FredTaming
@mrjohndarby
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
@whatmaddness
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
@iwearaonesie
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
@stephenjmolloy
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
@AnOrangeSNES
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
@VisionBored1
my parents: your generation is so spoiled
also my parents: I’m going to buy my grandchildren 17 toys for no reason and feed them candy for all their meals when they come to my house
@Phook75
Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now
@shawnspree
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@FillWerrell
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*