@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

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@chaoticugly

googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom

@adamgoodell

The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.

@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

@TheCiscoKidder

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@Reverend_Scott

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?