in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”