in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

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[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos


*releases swarm of killer wasps*


*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee


Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)


wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: ..Santa


Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”


In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.


my parents: your generation is so spoiled

also my parents: I’m going to buy my grandchildren 17 toys for no reason and feed them candy for all their meals when they come to my house


Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now


Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.