@chaoticugly
googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom
@MeepisMurder
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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@chaoticugly
@adamgoodell
The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.
@aaroncoal
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
@chudneyspears
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
@tsm560
[in bed]
Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …
@TheCiscoKidder
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
@OfHella
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
@iMikosnyc
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
@Reverend_Scott
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
@amandajpanda
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?