In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”