In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.