I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.