In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep