@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

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@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

@VisionBored1

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room

@PatsATweetin

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

@AdamBroud

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@roxiqt

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

@IRLPepperMD

[911 call]
IM GETTING EATEN-
*pause*
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
*pause*
Cool. ITS A CRO-

@BlindChow

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

@Gitwitcha

I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse