I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
IM GETTING EATEN-
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
Cool. ITS A CRO-
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse