My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.