in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”

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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.


I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.


I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”


All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it


[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there


Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.