@morninggloria

in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor

[later]

me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer

@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@khook32

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.

@KenJennings

Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.

@LostCatDog

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

@Shade510

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN