Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
getting groceries
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Yup.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.