In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible

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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office


Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.


6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?


I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.


How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall


*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card



*pulls out clipboard*
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*