[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset