my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death
Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I bet the first woman who had twins was like ??????????
*pulls out clipboard*
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”