In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
who wore it better?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂