@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

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@BeagirlNJ

Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@aissalanis

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

@ChrisCamarra

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”