Don’t kid yourself vegans.
If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”