In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
how long have you had this for?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A game married people play.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.