In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*