The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy