[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay