[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I put the mess in domestic.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right