@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

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@HansGrubertron

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@FrogAvalanche

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]

Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.

[He ascends to Heaven]

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@recoveringbapti

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck