[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I was just discussing this with my cat
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.