@Owl_Meat

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

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@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@Douchekevin

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.

@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

@Browtweaten

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what