I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?
Yoga pants explained.
Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.
Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
me: I’d like to represent myself
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.