*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
New menu item
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
It do be feeling this way.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control