*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it