[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Meowchelangelo
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?