Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
Me: same idea
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…
It instantly takes me to another station.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”