*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
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For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Worth remembering.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.