In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
This is a whole mood;
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*