[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
New mindset, who dis?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?