[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.


A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.


*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”


If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.


Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR


Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.