@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

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@AntiJokeJamal

A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@locustbones

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

@just1fool

You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.

@heyitsJudeD

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school