*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…