One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
You Might Also Like
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don鈥檛 take orders from horse-beaters
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.