Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.