@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

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@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

@ArfMeasures

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

@pterotactful

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@sonictyrant

Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo