@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

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@HatfieldAnne

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

@Jeff_Sargeant

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@VodkaThursday

Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?!
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?

@jctwritesstuff

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

@Ygrene

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@iwearaonesie

*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*

@gtfml

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.