In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Trying
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
absolute chaos
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.