In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
✌🏽
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.