In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.


The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.


A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?


Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?


[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”


My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.