@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

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@rynbtmn

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

@XplodingUnicorn

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@BlondAmbitionTO

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@cryptomanran

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.