In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma