In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
the battle rages on
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.