My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.