hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you