Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@PhriendlyCody

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

@rachelle_mandik

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

@CliffDuffy

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

@aaronneedshelp

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

@seegreenfairys

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@NomDeBenoit

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.