In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”


My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*


Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now


6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.


You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel


Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days


*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*