@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

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@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

@VodkaThursday

When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka

@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@argumentwinner

capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@_elvishpresley_

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.