In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen