In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
How I’d get arrested…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.