[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship