The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.
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Me; Right, some revision?
Me: Start with chemistry?
Me: Periodic table?
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis