@Freudianscript

In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.

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@TomSchally

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@MelvinofYork

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@TheSharona06

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis