“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
for all #parents out there
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”