@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

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@ashleyaustrew

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@kelkulus

The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@WildeThingy

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

@Home_Halfway

I always like seeing those “Baby on Board” stickers because it’s nice to see agreeable babies out there.

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine