@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

@SkinnieTalls

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@chuuew

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

@JohnLyonTweets

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

@h0tmessmama

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

@PaperWash

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon