In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

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Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?


If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.


The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.


Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.


Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.


I always like seeing those “Baby on Board” stickers because it’s nice to see agreeable babies out there.


“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine