Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy