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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.