@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

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@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@CallMe_Dimps

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

@IamJackBoot

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

@dshack8

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.