@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

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@Brentweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

@Burtslorp

*Jesus looks over bill from last supper*
“It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver.”
“I got this!” Judas yells, almost too quickly.

@plethoricjake

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”

@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@SteveSuckington

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

@WilliamAder

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

@DirtyTalkBooks

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

@Home_Halfway

Quartantine:

Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation

Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee

@anerdonfire2

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.