Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Feels
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”