@That_Damn_Duck

In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

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@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

@mommajessiec

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

@its_cmillz6

Uber eats:

Food: $12

Service fee: $4

Delivery fee: $9

Total: $260

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

@ibid78

When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

@SteveSuckington

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

@ronnui_

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”