In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.


Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.


Uber eats:

Food: $12

Service fee: $4

Delivery fee: $9

Total: $260


I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.


My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .


When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue


11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day


I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”