@That_Damn_Duck

In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

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@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@notmythirdrodeo

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

@SteveStockmanTX

The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.

@solikebasically

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@RodLacroix

This morning my wife woke me with those 3 little words everyone loves to hear:

“Where’s the plunger?”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse