In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.


Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.


Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.


The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.


One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day


Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.


This morning my wife woke me with those 3 little words everyone loves to hear:

“Where’s the plunger?”


[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!


Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse