In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.