In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

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So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.


One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying


Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’


Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.


*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*


*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.


[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans