(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud