(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.