In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Home is where your toilet is.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀