[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently